My x is being pretty generous about all the trouble lately. He came & got me from work Friday, and let me use his car today.

He had a guy come look about the air conditioner and said he’d pull money from his 401K to have it repaired. I felt guilty about that but then realized 2 things: 1) it’s really for the kids. I’m gone all day and they are suffering in this heat and 2) it didn’t work right LAST year, when he still lived here. He paid somebody $70 last year to put a recharge band-aid on it and then moved out with it not fixed.

I do understand that he could be all like, “You didn’t want me anymore, you sent me away, so just take care of your own problems.” So I’m grateful. Really I am.

I also realize that the reason he’s trying to be nice isn’t that he has the $ to do so. He doesn’t. But that he still loves me and feels bad for all the years he wasn’t nice to me and I didn’t get even simple needs met.

And that makes me feel a little guilty. Because 1) if he’d been like this all those years, there’s a slight (albeit very slight, because those weren’t the only problems) chance we’d still be married. And 2) I can never go back there. I don’t ever want to. No matter how nice he is about it, no matter how helpful he tries to be, no matter if he still loves me. No. NO.

Cold-hearted bitch, I guess I am.

But despite problems, I’m a happier cold-hearted bitch than I ever was married.

I was married. I had sex.

ROFLOL!!

I always did enjoy sex, despite the fact that because of some childhood abuse, I couldn’t orgasm for most of my married life. That is I knew I could if my husband would do a couple certain things, but he wouldn’t. Nineteen years into it I finally overcame that problem, and more than made up for lost time.

To say our sex life was “active” would be an understatement. When I’d have a baby, we’d be back at it in about 3 weeks… we had sex probaby an average of 5x a week, sometimes more. We bent the cast-iron L-rod side supports of an antique iron bed (twice). I don’t own nor have ever owned any toys because I have never needed them (still don’t).

Every time the subject came up (you know what I mean, wink wink), I took care of it. I had 2 theories:
1) I was going to keep him so worked-over that even LOOKING at another woman would seem like WAY too much work… and
2) Because he was 20yrs older than me, I figured there might come a day (no pun intended) when the sex wouldn’t be so readily available, so I was gonna take full advantage of it while it lasted.

Little did I know that the day was going to arrive a LOT sooner than I had planned.

Imagine going from that kind of activity to NOTHING.

NOTHING.

I miss sex, a LOT. But I’m a’ight.

Really.

I might add, that along about the time I asked for a divorce something occurred to me.

I was doing a LOT of evaluating at that time, of our marriage, of how his actions had affected my self-esteem over the years, of what the future looked like for us, etc.

And I came to this conclusion:

The ONLY reason I never said no, and that we had sex SO much?

Was because it was the only time he didn’t talk down to me, or talk to me like I was stupid, or be impatient or demanding of me.

For that short time, suddenly I was wonderful, desirable, beautiful, incredible. I was wanted and needed and loved.

And then I happened to think, that a person shouldn’t have to be having sex with their mate to be made to feel that way. It should be conveyed in their up-walking-around life.

A word to the wise, guys? Want your wife to want you? Make her feel like those things when she’s awake, clothed, in the kitchen, on her way out to work, or doing laundry. That will make you the sexiest man in the WORLD.

I got the weirdest facebook message tonight. I friggin’ hate facebook. It was from a local guy I’ve apparently never met but he’s followed me on twitter for a while. Weird, creepy kind of. Glad I sleep next to a loaded gun. (Not even kidding)

When asked why he was making contact with me, he’d only answered, “I’m taking a real risk here.” When I said I didn’t remember meeting him before and I saw that he was married but don’t remember ever having met his wife, he didn’t answer me at all.

Apparently he read my post via twitter. Today I got a message from him that said he was sorry I thought he was creepy.

I answered him:

I didn’t intend to offend you. But you have to understand a few things. First I only use my facebook for tattooing, so naturally I perhaps thought that was why you were making contact with me.

Second, I am a woman alone, with a houseful of kids. If someone finds me on twitter, then facebook, then I don’t know what it is you want… and I find out you’re local… it’s pretty easy to find where I work and probably not that hard to find where I live. That is an uncomfortable thought.

Third thing is, if you are married, and you’re not making contact with me for getting a tattoo… I need to know the reason. I’m not interested in being someone’s next problem. If your marriage is already in trouble enough that you’re looking for answers elsewhere, I’m not that answer.

I may be some people’s idea of a wild woman, with the wild hair, motorcycles, tattoos, gun, and attitude. But that doesn’t mean I’m gonna be some bored married guy’s fantasy fulfillment. It doesn’t mean I’m easy (even though I miss sex a LOT). And it doesn’t mean I’m going to put my family at risk.

If this is what someone expects from me, they can just move along. There’s nothing to see here.

My wedding rings were gorgeous. I was allergic to the gold so I had to have them rhodium plated every two years inside so I could wear them but I had it done by the same jeweler in FL for nearly 30 years and it was worth the effort.

I didn’t wear them much the last 2 years we were married. Not because I was unhappy or trawling or ashamed of them, but because I have a shop on Etsy where I sell hand-dyed, recycled yarn and in unraveling sweaters, dyeing the yarn, and skeining it nearly every day, it was a pain to take the rings off to do it because the yarn would get caught on them. So I just didn’t wear them much. I had them rhodium plated the last time just a month before I asked for a divorce.

The point being, that it’s been a while since I wore them on a regular basis. I’m used to them not being there.

Last week on Monday was the 1-yr anniversary of my husband moving out (last Thursday it was a year ago that I filed for divorce). On Tuesday I was riding in the car in the dark. I rubbed my hands together because they were cold, and was struck by the fact that my fingers were bare. No rings. It felt weird.

I’m not sorry that I’m not married any more. My kids are doing great and I like my life so much better.

But it was a little reminder that it happened.

(And yes that is Sean Connery in a wedding gown.  Now nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.)

(

whyrywhy:

I was. The outcome is obvious.

What he said.

misterprankster:

I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. What it means and why people would do it. How to make it work.

Unfortunately, I’m obviously not the greatest at keeping relationships together which is something that brings me a lot of sadness when thinking about my life. With that in mind, marriage seems such an unobtainable bond for my own life. I may not experience it.

I understand that someone’s outlook on any particular topic can be molded by what they have around them to experience and look to for reference. I also understand that a person can’t let the outcome of other’s lives define what it means in their own life.

Still…I can’t find one single marriage in my family that didn’t end in a broken home. I understand that I shouldn’t let this define marriage for me but it’s so extremely hard not to be worried.

I wanted my relationship to grow into marriage but it didn’t work. I know that I can’t be with a woman long before they begin to question when it will be taken to the level of marriage, which is understandable, so I sit and try to figure this all out in my head.

It’s scary to be with someone when you’re constantly afraid that they’ll leave but it’s even scarier to think someone could so easily leave it all over their own insecurities.

When I’m in a relationship I need to feel, even if we go through shit, it will still be the two of us working through it. I also need to feel that we both won’t purposely put each other through hell. A sort of ‘I’ll be here through anything as long as we both work to keep the toxic away from us’ relationship.

I’m obviously no relationship expert which I’m sure you know but I’d rather realize that I don’t know all the answers than to think that I have it all figured out.

Maybe I just think too damn much. Marriage is scary and something that I’m still trying to figure out when it comes to my own life.

Having been there long-term and not made it to the end, I’m not sure it’s ever something I want for myself again.  This is not to say that I necessarily want to be alone.  I think if the other person involved and I make a mutual commitment to be together, that will be enough, without the paper trail.  

The bad part is whatever example or legacy I’m setting for my kids.  I wish for them to be married if possible but more than that I want them to be happy, as I want to be.

I’m still trying to figure it out too.

• What personality trait of yours do you like the most? - That I get a lot of things done

• What personality trait of yours do you like the least? - That I don’t know how to just relax. As long as there is something to do, I’m doing it, even if I’m tired.

• How much money a year is just enough to not stress about money? - for the last 2 years the kids and I have survived on $2600 a month (our monthly living bills, not food or clothing or gas come to about $1800).  So I think $3000 a month would be fine.

• When was the last time you were naked in a public place?  Describe the circumstances. - I think never. I have done sexual things in relatively public places but never disrobed.

• What subject do you wish you studied harder at, in school, and why? - Physics.  I love physics.  I wish I’d continued college and gotten a degree in it.

• Describe a road you took in your life (not an actual road) and you think perhaps you should have taken a different road? - In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have married my x.  Because I’m not a very sociable person, I don’t put myself in social situations, even when I was in college.  I didn’t go to many activities or parties or venues.  So at the time he was the only one interested but maybe it’s just because I didn’t bother to meet anybody else?  In thinking about the reasons I married him, they weren’t the best reasons ever, to commit to somebody for life.  But I got 7 great kids out of it, that I wouldn’t trade for the world.  So who’s to say my life path didn’t bring me right where I should be?

• Do you believe its a reasonable expectation of society to marry someone for the rest of your life?  Why or why not? - I believe that society expects it, but I’m not sure it’s a reasonable expectation.  People change so much through life stages.  I see some couples (like my parents) married long-term who really don’t have much in common or even like each other much, but they hang in there. I see others who are married, but not faithful to each other.  Are either of those more successful than me?  I got out and made my life better.  I think I’d like personal commitment without the legal complication (if that makes sense)

• What’s your least favorite sexual position between missionary, doggy style, and girl on top, and why? - If it’s just straight missionary with no variation (legs up, etc) then missionary.  Not the right angle to hit the spot.  

• How do you like your eggs? - Scrambled with sauteed onion, bell pepper, ham, and cheese

• What’s your biggest vice? - Wolf.  If that’s a vice.

• What turns you on? - Unexpected kindness.  Good hygiene, intelligence, nice teeth, good grammar, body hair, beards.  An adventuresome spirit.  Small affectionate gestures.  Risky sexual advances.  

whatta-beautiful-mess:

Don’t stick your dick into crazy.

And never marry it.

Too late.  Trouble is, I dunno if it’s me or him.

aspaceforreen replied to your post: Are you in a plural marriage?

OKay…I’ll bite (and maybe I’m a little slow or the blonde has finally made it past the scalp which I’ll have to speak to my hairdresser about) but what is a “Plural” marriage??

A plural marriage is bigamy or polygamy.  More than one wife to a husband or more than one husband to a wife (though much more rare).

No, thanks.

An intimate friend of mine says two people can only be married if they obtain a license, have a wedding, and then exchange rings.

I say that marriage is an intent of the heart.  Nobody asks to see the license, most people weren’t there for the wedding.  Rings are an outward sign of the commitment (to other people) and a reminder of it (to the couple).  That a couple can live as man and wife (or wife and wife or man and partner) if they have that intent toward each other, with or without a marriage license.

Any thoughts?

Or is my perception totally off or stupid?